Things Unsaid
by Ferryman
Summary: Spoilers for Millers Crossing. The thoughts behind Sheppards unsaid words when Rodney offers his life for another. Can be considered Slight Slash McShep
1. Chapter 1

_This is my first attempt at fanfiction so thought I would start with something small. Spoilers for Millers Crossing. Was struck my Sheps emotions and felt a need to fill in the gaps._

Section 1;

Rodney hid his feelings beneath Genius, Sarcasm and bluff. Some people wore their heart on their sleeves. Rodney wore his in his eyes. Sheppard wondered how he hadn't noticed this from the start but few people seemed to spend enough time around Rodney to realize this. John noticed – He thinks that's how it started.

John kept his heart in a little box in a secret place inside. Very few people managed to find it and he was always surprised when someone did.

Rodney stood in front of him telling him about the weakened wraith. John could see the raw pain and guilt in his eyes. He knew better than to try and talk sense into Rodney, as far as Rodney was concerned he was to blame for everything and nothing John would say would change Rodney's views on the matter.

Too see so much pain on Rodney's face hurt and he hugged himself to stop himself reaching out to him. He could feel his control slipping looking into Rodney's blue desperate eyes so he moved his hands until they gripped the desk. He tried to explain to Rodney that they would not be able to supply the Wraith with meals on wheels.

"I know, that's why it has to be me" 

"_What??" _He figures he must have misheard, to intent on controlling his own thoughts and emotions, being to careful not to betray anything.

"I want him to feed on me" 

He bolts upright, wanting to shake sense into Rodney. He manages to squash down the emotion quickly and takes a nonchalant stance and with his head cocked to one side and his voice dangerously controlled he states "_You-Wanna-What!"_

"_Let him feed on me"_

If Rodney thought he was going to stand by and let a wraith take Rodney from him, well, he could just think again. He said something about the Wraith not giving him his life back when everything was done.

"_No" __he said heavily and full of emotion. _Blind panic and anger seared his brain as Rodney explained about the death of Sarah. John said something about thinking the nanites could do something but found he couldn't even think straight enough to finish the sentence. Rodney tried to explain about the procedure and what went wrong but John was transfixed by the pain and anguish that was blatant in Rodney's face, unable to take in fully what he was saying.

"I cant loose my sister, John" 

It brought him back with a bang and it made his heart flutter, even amongst the chaos, when Rodney called him John – a step towards an intimacy that he knew he would never have. To Rodney it was nothing more than a tool to make sure John knew he was sincere and that what was said would come from the heart. The flutter was short lived when he saw that the sentence was accompanied by a body shudder as Rodney's tried to hide the depth of the emotions that raked through his system. God, It hurt to see his Rodney in so much pain.

"_That wraith will kill you" _Just the thought of this turned John cold inside.

"_My choice to make" _Rodney replied, raising his chin defiantly and stared chillingly into Johns face. The thought hurt for some reason, probably because John's thoughts and feelings were not counted in this statement and that hurt.

"_No, its not, " You are an invaluable member of my team"….__c_op-out he thought to himself….."_and you report directly to me"…._Desperation starting to set in. He needed facts, Rodney was a scientist not a soldier. He responded to facts, not orders. If he could find facts to dissuade him but here weren't any and he knew if it was Rodney in that hospital bed he would be arguing for this for himself. Rodney asked if he was going to talk about chain of command now, his face moving away from the direct contact and looking, John knew, for another argument.

"I can't" He wanted to add, I can't watch you die. He wanted to shout at him, To loose you would break me Rodney, why can't you see that, without you I cant breath. But he didn't. He couldn't risk the friendship, especially not now when Rodney would need him most. Rodney turned his face to Johns, locking eyes in a final attempt and just said one word in a quite pleading voice that broke Johns heart. "Please" 

John looked into his face and the agony caused him physical pain. He swallowed, steeling himself and his emotions, barely able to contain the raw agony he felt at Rodney's pain. He opened his mouth to reply and found the emotion to raw. He closed his mouth and broke eye contact, gulping down the emotion that threatened to free itself and then he opened his mouth and as he turned to look Rodney in the face he threw the words out of his mouth before he choked.

"I'm sorry" 

Most of all, John thought, I'm sorry that I cant make you see you're not to blame. Wallace started this and Wallace should be the one to pay the price. Not you Rodney, Never You.

Rodney's eyes took on a panicked look, trying to find a way out. John knew what lengths he would go to because he knew what lengths he would go to for Rodney. He demanded his access card and Rodney turned to look at him like he had struck him in the face, John steeled himself and lifted his chin forcing himself to look into those blue watery eyes. Rodney faltered and he handed the card over to him and left. Sheppard knew he would find a way and so he had to work quickly but first he had to do something else.

He walked over the door and closed it and then slumped against the wall, sliding down to the floor, wrapping his arms around his torso to try and hold in the emotions. Tears filled his eyes and he buried his head in his knees. He need to be composed for the next step – he needed to be cold and so he released some of the emotions and then battled the emotions down to a place where he could hold them at bay.

Section 2 to Follow;


	2. Chapter 2

Thankyou, for my review Choaspayne. Made my day. Hopefully it will entice others to comment. Section 2 :

Sheppard walked along the corridor, pushing back his shoulders, steeling himself for this. He was nervous, the last time he had spoke one on one to Landry it was to disobey a direct order to return to SGC base from the midway station. Although it turned out well he was surprised he didn't get court-martialled for it and he hoped Landry had not been forced into 'no action' or it may go against him today.

He slowed his pace, giving himself time to ensure his emotions were now in place and steeling himself for what was coming. He stood just outside the office seeing Landry taking papers form a woman in uniform. He knocked on the door and they both turned to look at him "Can I have a word, General?"

Landry nodded to the woman and she put the file on the desk and walked out passed Sheppard. Landry indicated to a chair in front of his desk "What can I do for you?"

Sheppard entered the room and shut the door behind him watching Landry as he moved to the chair. He noticed how Landry's eyes had flicked to the door as he closed it and watched his back straighten slightly and his lips purse thoughtfully and he hoped he was just steeling himself in-case Sheppard had brought bad news and that Sheppard had not already blown it in the first five minutes.

He took the seat and leaned forward, elbows on his knees and hands clasped, (opposite of his normal relaxed position that seemed to agitate the military so). No time he thought to himself. He glanced down at his hands. Straight in he thought and glanced up to see Landry looking at him thoughtfully. "Rodney just asked me to let the wraith feed on him"

He saw Landry's brow furrow, his brain trying to process the unthinkable. Then he glanced down at the desktop and then glanced back up "I assume you declined his offer?"

"Yes, and I took his access card from him" Sheppard said. Landry nodded. "But this is Rodney Mackay we are talking about, his sister is dying and he isn't military. He will find a way to make this happen regardless of any orders I give him"

Landry raised an eyebrow "Yes, its annoying when your orders are ignored isn't it?"

The corners of his mouth twitched in what could have been a hidden smile but Sheppard didn't know him well enough to be sure and he didn't want to waste time on other matters. He lent back, putting his palms flat against his thighs.

"You've read the reports, without Rodney we wouldn't have lasted beyond the first day in Atlantis and he saves the same city on a regular basis and makes breakthroughs that help both of us in our fight defending this planet" He had wanted to say more but he could here the steel starting to creep into his voice, mixed with a bitterness that Rodney never seemed to get the respect he deserved when he came to the SGC. He was battling for Rodney's life and he couldn't afford to take a single risk, to make a single mistake would be deadly.

Compassion entered Landry's voice and the cold calculating part of Sheppard saw this as a chink, a step towards his goal. "We're not going to loose him Sheppard. You've taken his access card and I will alert the guards to keep him away from the wraith".

"And what about Jeannie, Mrs Mackay" Sheppard replied. "She will die without the wraiths help. Do you think Rodney will continue to work for us when doing so got his sister killed? I know him sir, even Atlantis couldn't keep him and I cant stress the danger we would be in without him and there is one other thing you're forgetting sir" Sheppard glanced down and then leaning forward, looked back up into the face of Landry.

"Don't tell Mackay I said this, but the mans a Genius, while we are thinking of our two or three options Mackay has thought of and discarded fifty. He is 10 steps ahead when it comes to thinking Sir, I've seen it in action and its speed is awe inspiring coupled this with the fact that we are speaking of a man who was able to re-programme Replicators, decipher and Upgrade Wratih technology better than the Wraith and put right experiments the Ancients left for failures. Do you honestly think you will be ale to lock him and of an earth based computer system? Also, bearing in mind"…Sheppard hesitated momentarily and had the decency to look suitably sheepish…"He did it once before and like I said, Mackay thinks ahead. I would not be surprised if he had created back doors last time he was in your system just in case he may need it again in the future" He raised his eyebrows and watched Landry.

He watched him mentally run through Mackays achievements, watched as Landry remembered just how easily Sheppard and his team had passed all security procedures. Landry picked up the phone and dialled an extension "I want Mackays username and password frozen – Do it now"

Inside Sheppard smiled.

Outside Sheppard pursed his lips and sat back, "All you will do is slow him down"

"I could lock him in the brig" suggested Landry. Sheppard could see Landry was still processing everything Sheppard had said and knew he had to strike quickly.

"Lock him up while his sister dies, Sir? There is more than one way to loose a man, General"

Landry looked at Sheppard and he saw Landry assessing him and knew he had to move carefully.

"You have a suggestion to make Colonel?"

Sheppard paused. He still wasn't sure how to proceed. He wanted to proceed gently but time was against him

"Wallace"

"Wallace?" Landry repeated

"I want to ask Wallace if he will volunteer himself, Sir"

"Volunteer himself" Landry repeated slowly. Sheppard had an overwhelming urge to ask if he was going to repeat everything he said but that was a Rodney thing, Landry would not appreciate it.

"Let me talk to him, if he agrees freely then you can get the President to sanction it" He could see Landry was at least thinking it through. "We need Macky in Atlantis, Sir. Wallace started this, so lets give him a chance to put it right"

Sheppard paused and then continued. "If Wallace says no we will go with the cell option till we think of something else, if Wallace agrees then everybody gets what they want"

"At the cost of a dead body" Landry said, voice flat.

Sheppard flinched back as if he had been slapped and he fell silent. Landry just watched him. Sheppard just realised that Landry had become on of the few to realise what he was capable of, but Sheppard had changed and he didn't like people to see that side of him. He bit his lower lip, still looking down and then he moved forwards, elbows again on knees, head hanging.

He looked up at Landry and when he spoke, he spoke from the heart. "I'm here because of Rodney. He's not just part of my team, we are friends" Sheppard hung his head, shaking it, and then looked back up at Landry. "No, it's more than that, my team are closer to me than any family member could be, with the things we have experienced together even Brothers in arms doesn't cover it. They've saved my life more times than I can count and they've helped me in more ways than I can mention. I can't imagine stepping through the gate with anybody else. It's not just Atlantis that desperately needs Rodney. Me, Teyla and Ronnon need him too and in order for Rodney to return I need his sister to live". Sheppard dropped his head. When he raised it he had a tentative grin "and if you repeat any of this I will deny everything"

Landry's mouth quirked in a quick grin and then his face became serious. "I've read the reports and I had realised that, you can't accomplish all that you have without that"

Sheppard raised his eyebrows in surprise and Landry suppressed another smirk. "Of course, if you repeat that I shall deny everything"

Sheppard dropped the grin. "Wallace is my last chance" he said quietly.

Sheppard paused. It felt now was the time to ask. "So?" he asked quietly.

Landry sighed. "If Wallace says no, it's a one shot deal and you walk away" Landry locked eyes with Sheppard "You just talk to him"

Sheppard nodded once. "Just talk" He repeated quietly.

Section 3 To Follow.


	3. Chapter 3

_Thanks again for the comments and thanks to musik-luvr for letting me know about McKay's correct spelling – always wondered but kept forgetting to check. Also, discovered Wallace's girl is Sharon and not Sarah so sorry for that too. Important lesson, not to be so hasty. Thank you again. Section 3;_

Sheppard walked out of Landry's office and walked to the nearest gents. Locked himself in a cubicle and leant against the door, his face looking upwards towards the ceiling.

He took deep breaths. Things were moving fast but the next step had to be perfect in everyway. If Wallace said no then there was only one other option and although he would sacrifice himself for Rodney in an instant he would still rather an alternative. Protecting Rodney (usually from himself) was an ongoing assignment that Sheppard trusted only to himself. He wondered if Landry suspected he had a plan B and if his access card still worked, he looked straight ahead. One step at a time he thought to himself.

He left the Gents a short time later and headed to Rodney's allocated rooms. He found the photographs he had seen Rodney pack before they left Atlantis. He was lucky. He had thought Rodney would have them on him but luckily thought it was worth checking. The bad news was that this meant Rodney had all thought processes on how to get to the wraith. Sheppard just hoped that the emotional stress was keeping Rodney from thinking as fast as normal as it was usually Sheppard who made him focus when he was emotional.

He went to the interrogation room that Landry set up for him and found Wallace already in place. He sat opposite Wallace and watched him silently. Wallace started to fidget and to break the silence he asked how Jeanie was. Inside Sheppard smiled.

"We're going over the data, we don't understand what happened, sorry"

"And Jeannie is?"

"She's not gonna make it" Sheppard paused, "We brought in a…..er…..specialist but he needs to eat, he collapsed, he's too weak to finish the coding modifications"

"I don't understand, if it means saving her life why not just feed it?"

"He has ..special ..dietary needs" Sheppard smirked. "He feeds on humans, on the life-force. It's a little hard to find volunteers"

Wallace lent back, paled, "So Jeanie will….."

Sheppard finished the sentence, needed Wallace to hear "She gonna die" Sheppard wanted to start out softly, increasing the pressure, giving Wallace no where to turn.

Sheppard theatrically pulled the photos from his inside pocket. He looked at the photo of Jeanie and momentarily experienced flashes of her visit to Atlantis. He slid the photo across the desk to Wallace.

He watched Wallace swallow and hesitantly pick up the photo and look at it. Good thought Sheppard, Jeanie had had her usual effect on Wallace too and he was emotionally linked to her, this saved time. Sheppard looked at the second photo and got a flash of Rodney pinning up a picture of a crayoned orange dinosaur at his work station in his quarters and then turning to Sheppard with embarrassed features daring him to say something. Sheppard hadn't said a word.

He slid the photo of Caleb and Madison across the desk. "You probably know about her husband Caleb and her daughter Madison" He saw guilt register on Wallace's face knew he was thinking of his daughter Sharon. Sheppard was creating emotional ties, trying to make Wallace care about these victims. He saw Wallace reach out slowly, with a morbid fascination, wanted to retract from what he had done but unable to resist reaching for the picture of Jeanie's daughter Madison, like prodding a painful injury.

Sheppard lounged opposite him. He started, his voice deceptively calm and casual "Now, McKay is blaming himself, but I know better" Sheppard paused. He changed his voice to steel "you know better" and he glanced up at Wallace his eyes as cold and calculating.

Wallace flinched. "I am so sorry, I never intended for any of this"

Sheppard looked at Wallace silently for at least a minute, then he looked down at the table and said quietly "What do you think will happen to you?" He looked up again into the face of Wallace

"What do you mean?"

"You have no-one left. No-one will try to track you, no-one will ask after you and with the top secret information you have in your head, do you honestly think you will be going to a mainstream prison where you can tell others about the Stargate Programme?"

Panic flittered across Wallace's face, he paled slightly.

Sheppard looked at the tabletop. Busied himself arranging the photos just so in-front of Wallace and then he said quietly "we have cells here you know. I wouldn't be surprised if you lived out the remainder of your life in the bowels of Cheyenne mountain"

"You Cant…I have rights" Wallace stammered half-heartedly. Inside Sheppard smiled knowing Wallace had already given in to his guilt.

Sheppard interrupted, his voice quiet steel "You kidnapped a man who, although only known to a few, is a hero in two galaxies, you have sentenced his sister to die and investigated the military to uncover a state secret" Sheppard paused, only for a moment to be sure of himself "and you killed your own daughter"

Sheppard watched anger and guilt fill the man's face. He watched his tears track slowly down his cheeks. He saw the bottom lip quivering. He had noticed slight similarities between Wallace and Rodney and when it came to Rodney, Sheppard knew exactly where the buttons were.

"I Was Trying To Save Her" Wallace said brokenly, pleading with Sheppard to understand, and that's why this was so hard. Sheppard did understand. He agreed with doing everything necessary to save someone you love. He would have kidnapped the President himself if it meant saving Rodney, but in doing so Wallace had put Rodney's life in danger and that meant he had to deal with Sheppard.

"She's still dead" Sheppard stressed "now you have no-one to live for" Sheppard pushed the photo of Jeannie forward again "but you do have someone to die for, you still have time to put something right"

Wallace blanched but seemed transfixed by Jeanie's photo. Sheppard stayed silent for a while. Let Jeanie work her own magic and then he leant forward. "You're life will be worthless from now on but with this sacrifice you can save Jeanie and Rodney, who as we speak is trying to get to the specialist to give his life for the sister you condemned to death, with this your life can mean something, you couldn't save Sharon, but you can save Jeanie" Sheppard pushed forward the photo of Caleb and Maddy "Send her home, Send her home to Maddy"

Sheppard raised his eyebrows, questioning.

Wallace was pale now, eyes glassy and tearful, his bottom lip trembled and then he nodded and inside Sheppard sighed with relief. Now for the final step, choosing his words carefully so that he would not scare the man out of the decision Sheppard had needed him to make.

"I have to hear you say you understand that I am asking you to die and that you do it of your own free will" Sheppard said quickly and quietly.

In a quiet broken voice Wallace uttered "I understand and I…I agree" Wallace swallowed heavily, "freely

Sheppard contacted Landry and had to wait for the President to sanction the murder Sheppard had coerced into action.

While he waited, lying on his bunk in his quarters, the guilt started to set in because Sheppard did understand so very well. He had implied to Wallace that he had no life that everything he had done had to be atoned for with this sacrifice. That there was no way out, he had pushed and coerced so that the Wallace thought that the only way left was to die, just so Rodney could live. One day Sheppard would have to atone, and when that time came he hoped God could save his soul, but he doubted it.

The phone rang. Landry had received the sanction from the President. Sheppard was relieved...and dammned.

Section 4 to follow...


	4. Chapter 4

_Thanks again for your comments. Nearly complete. _Section 4;

Sheppard escorted Wallace to Lab 17 where the Wraith was waiting. He wanted to ensure Wallace would not change his mind on route.

Sheppard used his access card hesitantly, it was accepted. The nugget of information that Landry had not suspected his plan B was worth squirreling away. He entered with Wallace, dismissing the military escort and indicating the nurses and gurney to wait outside.

The two soldiers still stood at their posts in the corner of the room, P90's trained on the weakened wraith, who sat at one of the desks. Sheppard closed the door behind them and stood infront of Wallace who seemed transfixed by the wraith.

"I want to thank you" Sheppard said quietly, and Wallace turned to look at him. "I know you can't comprehend this now but Rodney helps protect this planet. By giving your life here today, you now help protect this planet. What you do today means more than you can comprehend". Inside himself Sheppard added silently "Forgive me but I could not allow this to go any other way"

Wallace watched Sheppard's face as he spoke. He seemed to steel himself, although he remained paled and watery eyed. He nodded to Sheppard and moved around the table to he stood next to the wraith, chin defiant, staring the wraith full in the face and Sheppard again saw the similarities between Rodney and Wallace.

Sheppard indicated towards Wallace, "You can feed on him freely, take what you need to complete the work"

The wraith looked between Sheppard and Wallace trying to understand the catch and then looked at Sheppard, "You said you would never supply food" the wraith rasped.

"Some things are worth going to hell for" Sheppard said quietly. Rodney's worth this he thought quietly to himself.

He saw Wallace flick to look at him in the face, seeing something there that Sheppard had not hidden well enough. He understands Sheppard thought to himself, he knows. "This is a one time offer, and it has a time limit" Sheppard nodded to one of the guards who unlocked the wraiths cuffs and stood back, P90's trained on the wraith. Sheppard had spoken to the guards before, trying to explain what would happen. If he could have spared them this as well he would have but a recently fed wraith was too dangerous to allow it.

The wraith stood and ripped open Wallace's shirt and holding one hand behind his neck to hold him in place, in a disturbingly intimate hold, and then he placed the other on his chest and started to feed.

Sheppard unconsciously lifted a hand to his chest where his own feeding scar remained. He saw the horror and disgust on the soldiers faces, saw them glancing at him, hoping he would call it off. Sheppard wanted to look away, but forced himself to watch Wallace sacrifice himself for Rodney, saw the pain and horror pass over his face. He kept having to fight the urge to intervene as he watched Wallace age and watched as Wallace start to change his mind as the pain arched through his body and he started to fight just before he became to weak to do more than die.

He walked over to the door in silence, feeling the wraith watching him. He opened the door and let in the nurses with the gurney and closed the door after them. As they moved over to the body he watched disgust register on their faces and saw the accusing glances at him.

He could hear Rodney outside but wanted Wallace in the bag before he let him in. He did not want Rodney to see the physical sight of what he had done and he knew if Rodney took any of the guilt from this himself then it would be less haunting if he did not see the face of Wallace's final agony, an image that would always stay with Sheppard. When Wallace was bagged, one of the nurses moved to open the door as the other started to strap him to the gurney. Sheppard felt the dread in his stomach, he didn't want this conversation to happen and would stall as long as he could. He heard Rodney trail off in mid rant trying to figure out why Sheppard was stood in front of him.

"Let him in" Sheppard indicated to the soldier outside and Rodney walked into the lab in a daze. Sheppard glanced at Rodney and away again. In his head he saw shock and disgust at what he had done but when he glanced into Rodney's eyes all he saw was confusion.

"What?…." Rodney trailed off indicating the body bag being wheeled out.

"I was showing Wallace the labs and the wraith got the upper hand. That's what the official reports are going to say" He glanced at Rodney again and saw the confusion starting to fade and saw the penny starting to drop. He prayed that Rodney would understand, but Rodney was not a true soldier, he was still untainted and innocent inside and that's part of what Sheppard strove to protect and ironically that was the part that might not be able to forgive him for this.

"You" Rodney started to say but this was the conversation Sheppard wanted to avoid at all costs. He swallowed and interrupted "Come on, you've got work to do" he said as he nodded towards the wraith knowing when Rodney worked all else faded from his mind. Sheppard was mindful that if Rodney did not understand then this could be the last time they stood together. He knew it wouldn't be long before Rodney figured it out, but he didn't know how long he had. He tried to take in as much as he could.

"No he does not, I've completed the reprogramming" the wraith rasped.

Sheppard turned to the wraith to see he had completed it and as he turned back to Rodney he saw him walking past, "that was quick, we will get it uploaded" he said, his eyes distant, surroundings already fading from his mind as it turned to the more internal technical matters. Sheppard used this moment to look at his face as he walked past. To capture the depth of blue of his eyes, the lines that marked his face, the essence that was Rodney.

Sheppard started walking towards the door. "I can't help with the rest, I'll go find Ronnon and tell him the news, keep me posted". Rodney, merely nodded in agreement as Sheppard left the labs with a final look at Rodney as he left.

_Section 5 to follow._


	5. Chapter 5

_Thank you for all your reviews. It gives me a real buzz. Thanks for taking the time, a couple of you have asked for something from Rodney's perspective which I am toying with but wont be able to start till I get back after Xmas on Jan 7th so don't hold your breath. I hope you enjoy this last section. A little lighter than the rest as it was a happy ending after all. _Section 5;

He found Ronnon in the first place he looked, the mess hall. Not hungry in the least after what he had just witnessed he just took a mug of coffee and joined Ronnon. "The modifications are done, Rodney's uploading it now so we just have to wait" Ronnon nodded. He watched Sheppard who sat silently looking into his coffee not really in the mood for small talk.

"I don't know what you've done, and you don't have to tell me, but I know it was the right thing because I know you"

Many people just saw the Neanderthal exterior of Ronnon and failed to see the intuitive smarter man beneath, who used words sparingly. However, when Sheppard looked up in confusion and suprise, wondering how much Ronnon knew, although knowing without a doubt he would understand, he found Ronnon digging into a steak with relish. He lifted a large piece, stabbed on the end of a fork, and waved it at Sheppard "This meat is good" he said as he stuffed it in his mouth around a wolfish grin and Sheppard could not help but return the grin, feeling a bit lighter. "Liking the desserts too I see" replied Sheppard, eyeing the 5 or 6 scattered over the table top. Ronnon just nodded, mouth full to the brim, grinning.

A soldier appeared next to them. "Colonel, General Landry requests you come to the Gate room, sir" Sheppard and Ronnon exchanged confused glances and stood up to follow the soldier.

They entered the gate room at the same time as Landry. "You're team mate, Teyla, has requested permission to join her team and as its her first visit to Earth, I thought it might be better if you were here" They reached the end of the ramp, just as the gate engaged. Teyla came down the ramp and stood in front of Landry, bowing her head slightly. "Thank you for letting me come here for Rodney, General Landry" Landry nodded back and extended a hand, taking Teyla's. "Of course".

"What's going on?" Sheppard turned to Rodney's voice and indicated behind him to Teyla with a grin. As Sheppard turned back to Teyla she had moved away from Landry and as she passed Ronnon and Sheppard she clasped their forearms briefly, squeezing gently, as she walked passed to Rodney. She cupped his cheeks in her hands and bent his head to join their foreheads. "I am sorry I could not be here before Rodney McKay. I came to lend my assistance in anyway I can."

"No, Its Ok" Rodney said, grinning from ear to ear and looking around the room, taking a half step back and in doing so breaking contact with Teyla, who just smiled and dropped her hands. "It worked, the nanites are inactive and no…er…broken bones…so to..er speak" he added a bit sheepishly, even colouring a little. Sheppard suspected that Jeanie would never hear about the fact that Rodney had broken her legs in order to slow down the nanites. Rodney vaguely thumbed over his shoulder "I'd better get back, she is due to wake any minute, I just wanted to let you all know" He grinned round the team, beaming. Sheppard felt light and happy to see it.

As Rodney turned to go he seemed to see Teyla again for the first time. "Er, I mean, thanks, you know, for coming through, er, stargate, erm, thanks" his hands and thumbs moving constantly and just as awkwardly as his words.

Teyla smiled, one of her little smiles that Rodney always seemed to deserve. "We are all glad for you Rodney, tell Jeanie we wish her well, would it be okay to visit her while we are here?" she said in her delicate tones.

Rodney nodded in return. Sheppard smiled to see Rodney attempting normal social skills he didn't think he had ever witnessed anybody so inept and yet so far improved from when he had first met him. Sheppard was still grinning a lopsided grin when Rodney turned to face him. Sheppard caught something as it flashed through his blue eyes but to quick for him to see what the emotion was but enough to lessen his own grin slightly. "I need to stay for a few days, check there are no complications, check everything is safe and take Jeanie home"

Sheppard nodded. "That's fine Rodney, take all the time you need. We will return to Atlantis and complete the reports" Sheppard paused "unless you want us to stay with you?"

"No, No, no need" Rodney said.

He turned to Landry and realised they had all been ignoring him. He saw Landry smirk and raise his eyebrows. "Quite a team you have Colonel" Landry said, locking eyes with Sheppard.

"Well, it takes three of us to keep Rodney out of trouble, sir?" he smirked

"Hey!" Rodney squealed.

"Come on kids" Sheppard said airily, herding them out of the gate room, "lets go say bye to Jeanie and pack our stuff, and get Ronnon a doggy bag" He turned to Landry "Are we okay to go in two hours, Sir?"

"I've got SG4 due back in just under two hours, better make it three to be sure of a window" Landry stated. Sheppard nodded and continued herding them out "OK, kids back here in 3 hours, I'll join you in a minute"

He turned and walked back to Landry. "I just wanted to say thank you, Sir" Sheppard extended his had to Landry. Landry took his hand and shook it with a smile. "I'm glad everything turned out well for your team, Colonel" Landry nodded towards where Rodney and Teyla had locked foreheads, "What was the forehead thing". Sheppard turned around, seeing them again in his minds eye and smiled again. "Its an Anthosian custom to show friendship and respect, sir?" He turned back to Landry smirking "Our little Rodney's learned a few social skills since he left home, Sir" then he broke into a grin, "But I still would trust him on his own with that mouth of his, Sir" Landry nodded, "Neither would I colonel, Neither would I" and Sheppard turned to go.

They all saw Jeanie and organized their things and returned to the Stargate, ready to go. Sheppard was agitated, constantly on guard to ensure he was never alone with Rodney to begin that conversation but at the same time unable to leave the man's side. He had done it. He has rescued Rodney's sister and Rodney was still alive. Okay it was at the cost of his soul and the death of another man but as far as Sheppard was concerned that was worth the price of Rodney easy.

Rodney came to see them go. "I'll see you in a couple of days" he said as he glanced from face to face, lingering slightly on Sheppard's face who knew that he was being told there was still one more conversation to have, which is probably why he couldn't maintain the look. With a weight heavy in his heart Sheppard said, deceptively casually, even nonchalantly "Yeah, we'll see you soon Rodney" as he turned to the control room with a thumbs up and turned to the Stargate as the chevrons started to engage.

Teyla and Ronnon nodded assent at him and Rodney indicated over his shoulder "Better get back, we're due to leave any minute, Jeannie cant wait to see Caveman and Madison" He grinned, turned and left. Sheppard glanced over and watched him leave and then returned his gaze to the Stargate as it connected with Atlantis. "Come on kids, time to go home" he said as he started forward up the ramp.

They exited on the other side. Sheppard excused the other two and told them he would see them later in the mess hall and then went up to Carters office to start his debrief. He told Carter about the official report on Wallace and then he told her that he had explained the situation to Wallace and he had volunteered to sacrifice himself and put right the things he had done. He did not tell her that he had pushed, coerced this into play as he did not want to have to sit with the new shrink. She could tell he was holding something back though, but she seemed to know it was okay to let it go, she probably presumed he was covering up for something stupid that Rodney had done. She would have sussed my plan B though, Sheppard thought to himself and squirreled that away for future use.

He left for his quarters, showered but still never feeling clean enough, he collapsed on his bunk. He went through that same minute again. Rodney looking at him, realization dawning, "You.. " and Sheppard finished that sentence a thousands ways.

Initially, it was a dreaming "_You did that for me_" said with warmth in his blue eyes and most of all said with understanding. But as time wore on Sheppard tortured himself over the next two days.

"_You thought I wanted this, for him to die for me"_

"_You killed him, no murdered him and I'm just supposed to be okay with that"_

"_You, You're a monster"_

"_You, I don't know. I can never know the man that did this, wouldn't want to know this man"_

"_You don't come near me again, I never want to see your face again, too look at the eyes that can stand by and watch that happen and do nothing, you disgust me !"_

Dreading more and more Rodney's return, feeling more and more sure that an even darker scenario than this would be played out, that Rodney would never understand how he had sent someone to his death, sure that Rodney would feel the blood on his hands and feel that he could not forgive Sheppard for putting it there.

He made sure he was busy in military areas when Rodney returned. He made sure he ate his breakfast and lunch at a different time. He missed dinner and returned to his quarters, even afraid to walk the corridors and find himself face to face with Rodney and that look of condemnation. He had picked up a magazine but it just sat in his hands.

They were due of world in two days and he knew he had to face Rodney before then.

His door chimed. Initially panic coursed through his body and he just wanted to run but in order for him to be with Rodney they would have to get passed this. He shook himself through and placed the magazine just so. Nonchalant and fake relaxing Sheppard could do at the drop of a hat. He thought the door open and Rodney walked in.

"Hi" Sheppard mutters, not realizing he is holding the magazine in front of him like a shield, "How's the family"

"Great, brought them a car" Rodney said, grinning. Well, this was a much better starting point than Sheppard had envisaged in his scenarios and found himself starting to hope inside. Maybe, just maybe it was going to be okay. "Guilt?" he asked, keeping his eyes on his magazine, still unable to face Rodney's eyes. He thought it was quite ironic really that that should be the first word out of his brain and out of his mouth.

"Yeah, listen, I cant believe what you did" McKay said. The words hit Sheppard like a bolt out of the blue and he tried not to tense. His voice heavy with emotion, he started to glance up at McKay but couldn't bear the possibility that he would not see forgiveness and understanding there and so he kept concentrating on the magazine infront of him "I don't want to talk about it"

"Well, you talked Wallace into sacrificing himself" Sheppard could sense Rodney's eyes locked on him, searching for contact. Sheppard replied, "No, no I didn't" his voice so heavy it was almost unrecognisable.

Rodney glanced away, trying to process information, seeing where he had gone wrong in his calculations, "Well, then how did he….."

Sheppard closed the magazine. This is not going to go away. He had to face Rodney. His voice still thick with emotion he started "I presented a situation" he paused for a moment, "he volunteered" and finally he looked at Rodney. Inside he pleaded for Rodney to understand, to forgive him if he could.

Rodney nodded, eyes wide as the realization of what Sheppard had done for him hits and Sheppard watches and waits and prays so very hard. "Still, you talked a man into killing himself" Rodney states, and Sheppard still cant be sure if that's a quite accusation or just a statement.

Sheppard gave a half shrug, "He wanted to make things right" Sheppard explores Rodneys face, looking for the answers he wants, dreading the possibilities, trying to guess which way Rodney will fall. "I merely, er…"

"Presented the situation" Rodney slowly exacted the words

Sheppard looked at him glassy eyed. Could he be just seeing what he wanted to see or, was Rodney, not only understanding what he had done but was accepting it. Hesitantly, not daring to believe it "Yeah"

Sheppard watched intently as McKay's eyes twitched, processing the information. Sheppard couldn't breath as he watched McKay look at it from every angle and then he looked straight at Sheppard, locked his steady eyes on to his and Sheppard waited, did not think he could look away now if the world ended around them and then Rodney said "thanks" with a nod to push home the fact not only that he meant it but that he understood.

Sheppard nodded back, biting back the emotion that threatened to break free. Inside he screamed Rodney knew what he had done and accepted. Rodney understood.

Rodney rubs his palms on his thighs and momentarily Sheppard is reminded of rubbing blood off his hands and a vice wraps momentarily around his heart, he hopes Rodney is not taking any of this on himself. He watches him closely but as Rodney stands his eyes belay nothing but closure. "You wanna get something to eat" he says and inside Sheppard wants to laugh and never stop.

Sheppard first thought is Wallace and he thinks he may never eat again. He looks up at Rodney, looks into a face that accepts him and he throws down the magazine and says "sure". He gets up from the bed and falls into his rightful place at Rodneys side.

We're about the same in the looks department, Right?" Rodney said as they left his quarters. If it wasn't for your baby blues Rodney you would look like a frog, Sheppard thinks to himself.

"Who's bin lying to you, Rodney" he said. He felt warm inside and everything felt good again. Rodney was walking down the corridor at his side where he belonged, talking about nothing and everything.

"Oh Ha Ha, No seriously, were about even right?" Rodney said. Luckily for you on the inside you are the most beautiful thing I know Rodney Mackay Sheppard thought to himself and inside he beamed.

"Like I said, Who's bin lying to you" He said outside, lopsided grin back in play.

And as they rounded the corner Sheppard thought one more thought to himself. I have Rodney because everyday I don't tell you I love you is a lie to you and for that you will never know how sorry I am.

Complete. x

_Thanks again for all your support and encouraging me to continue with another story. I hoped you enjoyed my adlibs to the plot. Merry Xmas and a happy new year to you all – Ferryman._


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